Wear Iron Shoes
by Kelitzo
Summary: Artemis’ mother finds out about the school dance and says Artemis has to go. Then Holly turns up. I rewrote the last chapter, so please read the new ending!
1. Parental Prerogative

**WEAR IRON SHOES**

**

* * *

**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Artemis Fowl or any of the other characters from the books that are featured in this story. No matter how much I wish I did…

* * *

**CHAPTER ONE: PARENTAL PREROGATIVE**

Artemis sat in his private study behind a large oak desk – which presumably was for doing homework but had never fulfilled its purpose – and scanned through the school newsletter for articles he'd rather keep from his mother. This was a weekly activity now. With his mother alert and aware of her son's life, it had become obvious to Artemis that he was not going to be keeping his privacy. So he endeavoured to make his own. Privacy, that is. And it was for this reason that Artemis spent copious amounts of time hiding or destroying all evidence of the events occurring in his life.

Turning a page of the newsletter, Artemis allowed himself the luxury of a sigh. Sometimes he felt he spent as much time placating his mother as he did irritating everybody else he came into contact with. Checking the newsletter was but one precaution Artemis took to keep Angeline out of his life. It wasn't that it was likely that Artemis in particular would be in trouble – Artemis was the top of all his subjects – it was simply that lately Angeline had taken a rather more intense interest in her son's life than Artemis was prepared to allow. Failing to find fault in his academic activities, she had turned her attention to what she considered her son's shortfall – sociality. In Artemis' opinion, social skills were overrated, but he had a difficult job convincing his mother of this. The boy genius who could break into high-security vaults and ransom the fairy police service was utterly defeated when it came to the persuasion of his mother.

So now Artemis was forced to check through the school newsletter each week and remove notices about any school functions that Angeline might think would improve her son's social skills. This week the only issue was a long notice about the school dance that was coming up. Being an all-boys school, St Bartleby's was inviting what looked like every private girl's school in the county to join them at their quarterly dance.

This, unfortunately, was exactly the kind of thing that Angeline Fowl would love for her dear Arty to be involved in. But there was no force on or under the world that could make Artemis attend a high school dance.

The great Artemis Fowl did not dance.

Or that was what Artemis said. The truth was that the great Artemis Fowl _could_ not dance. The single time he had tried had been an unprecedented disaster. Artemis had been eleven years old, and his father had insisted that Artemis make an appearance at the annual ball of the Irish Businessman's Club. Artemis' father had hired an extremely exclusive, extremely talented and extremely expensive dancing instructor to teach young Artemis, but the lessons had never been attended. The first day of instruction had also been the last, and in addition it was a catastrophe. Of course, Butler and Juliet recalled the incident with some amusement, but it was an amusement that Artemis did not share.

The money Artemis Fowl Senior paid to the instructor to keep the episode quiet had allowed her to go into retirement twenty years early. This was especially lucky for her because there was no way she was doing any more dancing on those feet. Not that they would have fit into dancing shoes anyway - not after Artemis was done standing on them. Not to mention the large stack of chairs that had fallen on them after Artemis tripped over his feet and knocked them down. And the wall on which she had stubbed her toe after Artemis had accidentally smashed into her. Or the many times that Artemis' feet had been in exactly the wrong spot, which ultimately led to a sprained ankle. Not Artemis'.

In short, it was not a good idea to make Artemis dance. So there was not a doubt in his mind that the notice about the school dance would have to go. Inserting the newsletter into an upgrade of the most advanced scanner on the market, Artemis scanned all seven pages of the newsletter into his computer. He exploded the text and deleted the notice about the dance. Then he re-typed an extremely dull and technical article about the advances of modern plumbing in its place. Finally he re-printed the newsletter and stapled it back in its original order. Nobody could tell the difference. It was brilliant in its simplicity. Any idiot with a scanner could pull it off, but Artemis still allowed himself a small moment of satisfaction for a plan well executed. He would not be attending any school dances. Not now, not ever.

Unfortunately for Artemis, however, Butler happened to agree with Angeline Fowl. His young employer needed social interaction with people his own age. And Internet communication didn't count. So Butler hatched a plan of his own. He was already aware of the weekly modifications of the newsletters, and although he didn't approve, he hadn't said anything. Until this week. On the long drive back from St Bartleby's Butler finally offered his opinion.

'Artemis, maybe you should consider going to this dance. It can't hurt, and you might even have fun.' Though he'd never admit as much to his employer, Butler had to admit that he felt sorry for Artemis. Nobody should be as lonely as him, and Artemis didn't even seem to realise that he had isolated himself from human contact as effectively as if he had slammed a door in the world's face. But Artemis was resolute.

'I have no desire for social interaction with people less mature, and quite frankly, less intelligent than the average baboon.' He replied in clipped tones. His scowl deepened as he marked the article he planned to erase with a small red cross. 'And I hardly think that such an activity could have any sort of personal benefit.'

Butler didn't argue further.

Later that night Artemis placed the modified newsletter on a small ornamental table in the hall where his mother would be sure to see it when she came home. She had taken the Lear Jet early that morning to do a spot of shopping and attend a garden party in London, but had left a message telling Artemis not to expect her back before nine.

* * *

Okay, reviews please. There will be romance later on, because I really need to get it out of my system. But for now – is it a bit boring?

* * *


	2. The Butler Did It

**CHAPTER TWO: THE BUTLER DID IT**

Angeline Fowl came home at around nine-thirty, and immediately picked up the newsletter in the hall. She was delighted to see that there was to be a school dance in the next week. The lack of social activities being organised by the school lately had been worrying. But this dance sounded lovely. Formal dress, and a number of reputable girls' schools to be invited. Angeline was quite relieved. Hopefully Arty would meet a nice girl and overcome this ridiculous notion that he didn't need the rest of the world. She thought it might be a stage, but Artemis was quite adamant that none of his peers were worthy of his respect. But Marie had told her at the Garden Party today that it was just hormones. That was how teenagers were at that age.

The next morning Artemis rose feeling quite content, even if it was a school day. School was a waste of time for him, as he was generally more intelligent than his teachers, but today Holly had promised to contact him, and Artemis always looked forward to communicating with her. Mulch too. The little kleptomaniac was the person Artemis might have been if he hadn't been born rich and cultured. And human. Still, Artemis was quite attached to his fairy friends, and he always enjoyed a little intelligent conversation.

But the day was not to go as planned. As soon as Artemis arrived downstairs he came face-to-face with his mother, who for some reason was in an exceptionally good mood.

'Oh, Artemis! There you are. I was just coming to wake you.' Angeline smiled cheerfully.

Artemis stared at his mother in surprise. Since when did she wake him in the mornings? He had an alarm clock that was perfectly tuned to Greenwich Mean Time. He replied in tones that he hoped would discourage his mother from pursuing further conversation.

'Yes, here I am. But Mother, I really must be getting to school –'

But Angeline was scrutinising him oddly.

'My, my, you have grown. We really must get you some new clothes. Perhaps some jeans. A teenager really shouldn't be wearing suits everywhere. Perhaps we can get you a pair when we get you a tuxedo for the dance…'

Angeline continued to chatter blithely about clothes shopping, but Artemis wasn't listening. At the mention of the dance he had turned, if possible, even paler than usual, and his brain seemed to have ceased functioning. How could Angeline know about the dance? Unless…

'Excuse me mother, but I really must check on something in my study.' Artemis interrupted Angeline in full flow about her shopping plans.

'Check on something? But you just came down. Surely it can wait.' Artemis' mother seemed quite put out. Remarkable, considering that Artemis hadn't even been listening to her. He responded stiffly as he backed subtly towards the stairs, ready for a quick getaway.

'It really is imperative that I check it now,' Artemis lied as his brain flailed for a believable excuse. It had never failed him yet, and it didn't now. 'It's an experiment for school, you see, and I must take the appropriate measurements at accurate time intervals. If you'll excuse me?' Without waiting for an answer, Artemis turned and ran quickly up the stairs.

At the door of the study Artemis entered a seven-digit code before entering. Inside, his worst fears were realised. The copy of the newsletter that he had scanned yesterday and left on his desk was gone. The place he had left it was empty. And there was only one other person in the manor with the code.

'BUTLER!' Artemis yelled. An odd break in composure.

The Eurasian bodyguard came running. 'What is it, Artemis?' he enquired, once he had realised that there was no threat in the study. Unless you counted the threat of getting a paper cut from one of the many books. Which Butler didn't. There was just Artemis looking very pale. Paler than usual. And evidently very, very angry.

'Butler, where is the newsletter that I left here yesterday?' in contrast to the angry look on his face, Artemis' voice sounded very calm and casual.

'Isn't it here?' asked Butler

'Obviously it isn't here, or else I wouldn't have asked you where it was.' Artemis wasn't accustomed to Butler asking stupid questions. Of course, Butler wasn't used to asking stupid questions either, but he'd never really been a good liar. In the body guarding business it didn't really matter whether you told the truth or not, because generally you could then terminate anyone with information they shouldn't have. But Butler couldn't exactly terminate his own employer. Not without crossing some serious ethical and moral boundaries. And losing his job.

'Well then, I don't know where it is.' Butler replied woodenly. 'Would you like me to search for it?'

Artemis stopped being pale, and turned red.

'No, Butler, I would not like you to search for it. I know where it is.'

Butler stared at Artemis in surprise. He was about to enquire as to why Artemis had bothered to ask him where it was if he already knew, but on reflection decided he was probably about to be in enough trouble. Artemis was the only person who scared Butler. And not just because he signed his paycheques and could probably stop anytime. Sometimes Artemis just looked as though he could do serious damage. But Butler had more than an instinct to go on – he knew what the Irish teenager could do.

'The newsletter that I left on this desk, Butler, somehow made it out to a table in the hall. And the newsletter that I left there mysteriously disappeared. Now how do you suppose that happened?' Sarcasm wasn't a tool Artemis usually used, but then, this wasn't exactly a normal situation.

Butler decided that lying wasn't going to get him anywhere. Artemis obviously knew what he had done, so what was the point? He owned up stoically.

'I put the newsletter on the table, Artemis'

'Why?' Artemis seemed actually curious, which was odd for him. Normally Artemis just looked smug.

'Because you need to learn how to interact pleasantly with people your own age.' Butler told him calmly. Butler knows best. Not.

Artemis groaned. Not this again. 'Butler, people my own age are hardly worth exchanging words with, let alone dancing with. There is no reason fathomable that I should attend this dance. A school dance, too. It's an utterly useless concept. Who would I meet of importance?'

Butler shrugged. He knew that if Angeline was determined that Artemis should go to this dance, than Artemis would be going to the dance, no matter how strong his resolve to the contrary. Why argue if you've already won?

* * *

Why indeed? I got this chapter out fairly quickly, but it could be a while before I get the next one - I'm going camping for the ANZAC Day weekend and there won't be any internet access. : (

Reviews?

* * *


	3. Romantic Advice

**CHAPTER THREE: ROMANTIC ADVICE**

Artemis was fuming. There was no way he was going to that dance. He decided to skip school that day, too. It wasn't as if he'd miss anything he didn't already know, and the school could hardly suspend him for it. Not unless they wanted to lose the huge amounts of money his father was donating each term. And his mother had gone to buy his tuxedo, so she wouldn't know that he was home.

At around ten o'clock, just as she had said, Holly called. The small hand-held communicator that Artemis now kept locked in a safe in his study began to ring – the sound muffled by a lead-lined door, so Artemis opened the combination and removed the device.

'Hello Holly'

'Artemis. Good to see you again. How are you?' Holly sounded very cheerful. Or perhaps it was just because Artemis himself was in such as bad mood.

'I'm fine. Although I do have a small problem. I was hoping you could help me with it, actually.' Artemis tried to look as though he didn't really need Holly's help all that much. There was a good chance she'd refuse just to be contrary if he seemed desperate.

'Oh?' she said suspiciously. 'And what exactly do yo need my help with?' Holly had narrowed her eyes and looked apprehensive. Not good.

Artemis coughed delicately.

'Well, you see, my school holds a dance each term, and invites many girl's schools from around the county, but –'

Holly held up her hand. 'Say no more. I understand completely.'

Artemis was, quite frankly, stunned. Not that he let it show. 'You do? Well, that is wonderful news, Holly. I thank you.'

Holly grinned. 'Okay, the first thing you need to know is that girls hate being talked to like that. You sound like you're meeting the president of the Mud Men or something. Don't be so formal.'

Artemis' brow creased in confusion. 'Excuse me?'

But Holly continued as though she hadn't been interrupted. 'You also need to know that you need to seem confident, but not arrogant. Girls despise arrogance, but they hate wimps even more. Believe me. I'm not boasting, but I've had my fair share of propositions both from wimps and arrogant pigs. You just don't say yes to them'

Artemis was extremely puzzled by now. He raised an eyebrow. 'Uh, Holly, is there any particular reason why you're telling me this?'

Holly looked surprised. 'Don't you need help asking a girl to this dance of yours?'

Artemis smirked. 'Hardly. I do not intend to make an appearance "this dance of mine." That's why I need your help.'

Holly had turned red when she realised that she had been spouting on about her personal life to somebody who was so far above interest he was practically at the pearly gates. Humiliation made her short-tempered.

'Well, what do you want, then?' she growled.

'It's simple really.' Artemis began carefully. Holly looked about to explode. 'I would like you to mesmerise my Mother and Butler so that they don't remember hearing about the dance.'

There was a long silence in which Holly seemed to be absorbing the request. Then she burst into giggles. Artemis frowned. This wasn't exactly one of the reactions he had anticipated. 'Just what is so funny?' he asked, with a touch of impatience.

Eventually Holly calmed down enough to answer the question. 'The great Artemis Fowl, completely helpless when it comes to getting out of a dance. Why don't you just go?'

Artemis allowed his scowl to deepen a notch or two. 'I don't dance, Holly. Dancing is for people who have nothing better to do than throw their bodies around in an unseemly manner. Attending this dance would be a waste of an evening.' In truth this was lie. As we know, Artemis simply cannot dance. But this just served to make him contemptuous of those who could.

Holly regarded Artemis sharply. 'Have you ever TRIED dancing, Artemis?'

Artemis shifted his feet slightly. Of course, Holly couldn't see this, but an odd expression also crept into his normally emotionless eyes. Holly picked it up and interpreted it correctly.

'You can't dance, can you?' she breathed. Artemis shook his head miserably. Holly, being the master of subtlety that she was, gave a tremendous whoop. 'The great, incredible genius Artemis Fowl the Second can't dance! Everything you can do, and you can't master a few simple steps!'

Artemis scowled. 'As you well know, Holly, physical activity is not my strong point.' Although lately Artemis had realised the advantages of being in shape and had taken up running, he still was not exactly co-ordinated.

Holly calmed down from her giggling fit. 'Sorry Fowl, but I think it's a good idea to have you go to this dance. Might humble you a bit.'

Artemis glowered. 'I doubt very much that it is a good idea. I hate dancing.'

The fairy grinned. 'That's exactly why I think you should go. Who knows, I might even see if I can get a Visa for the night and drop in on you.' She winked. 'I'm quite the dancer myself.'

Artemis was completely disgusted. Everybody he knew seemed against the idea of skipping this dance. And for some reason they wouldn't listen to the only one among them with an IQ above 150. It was simply mind-boggling.

* * *

Poor Artemis, everyone is against him. Could he possibly be wrong? .:gasp:. NEVER! 

Artemis is a bit formal with Holly too…I must have a problem. But I suppose Artemis is a formal person.

Sorry about the short chapters. I'll try to make them longer, I promise. Of course, I can't promise I'll succeed.

And finally - thankyou everyone for reviewing! I really appreciate it.

* * *


	4. Sulking And Staring

**CHAPTER FOUR: SULKING AND STARING**

One week later, Artemis was dressed in black tuxedo complete with a bow tie and a scowl. His hair had been cut and styled by a professional hairdresser, and his shoes were so shiny he could see his reflection in them. He actually looked quite striking, scowl or no, but nobody at the manor was prepared to tell him that. Not while he had a look on his face that said, quite plainly 'talk to me and your head will be severed from your neck.'

Or something to that effect.

Artemis had tried every argument he could think of to get out of the dance. He had study to do, it wouldn't be safe, he needed to sleep, there would be drugs, alcohol…any number of different reasons why he shouldn't go. Angeline had remained firm. Only the argument about safety had gotten through to her, and she had dealt with that by arranging for Butler to chaperone. The bodyguard had been only too happy to agree to the proposition.

So at 7:30pm, Artemis could be seen climbing out of the black Bentley and walking through the doors of the Great Hall. The Hall had been decorated for the occasion, and small round tables and couches had been placed around the apparent boundaries of the dance floor. Artemis immediately found a table in a corner of the room and sat down. The expression on his face would have been sulky if he wasn't Artemis Fowl. Instead, it must be called peeved.

Within the first half an hour of the dance almost everyone had arrived. Most people came in couples – girls in long formal dresses and boys in tuxedos – but there were also a brave few who walked in alone. Most of them had partners within fifteen minutes of arriving. There was obviously a stigma attached to being alone at school dances, Artemis noted with vague interest. Not that that encouraged him to find his own date. He was already an outsider at school. Having a partner at this dance wasn't really going to change that. And in any case, secondary school politics were really below an intellect like his. At the end of the day, it was real life that mattered, and Artemis knew more about real life than any of the students at the dance.

The night began with traditional dances with music performed by a miniature string ensemble seated on the stage. Waltzes mostly. Artemis scowled through it all. He wished he had thought to bring his laptop. Although it was unlikely that Butler would have allowed it. The bodyguard had become quite insistent that Artemis be social. If it was anyone else the fifteen-year-old wouldn't have tolerated such brazen behaviour, but Butler had been a good employee and a good friend to Artemis. He was one of only four people that the boy respected, and the only one that was human. You can't fire a person like that.

Although perhaps he should reconsider, thought Artemis as Butler approached. His huge bulk blocked Artemis' view of the dance floor, and the look on his face would have scared a sloth into running. But not Artemis. Artemis didn't scare that easily.

'Look Artemis, are you going to dance, or are you going to sulk all night?' Butler had evidently been watching his young employer from some obscure corner of the room.

'I'll remain here until the dance is over, thankyou,' said Artemis firmly. 'And I do not sulk.'

Butler grinned. 'You're doing a pretty good impression then. Oh, and you've got another five and a half hours of _sulking_ to go.'

Artemis was so astonished he didn't respond to the obvious jibe. All this boredom, and the dance had only been going for half an hour. There was no question of him waiting until the end of the dance. He had to find a way to leave. Unless Holly turned up sometime soon. Generally the elf bought some measure of interest. She might even bring Mulch, which would be as good as having his own personal circus, but that was probably too much to hope for.

Half an agonising hour later, Artemis was losing hope that Holly would come. It was unlikely that she'd be able to get a Visa, if she had even been serious about coming. It was just a huge _might_. Artemis felt his heart sink as he realised just how unlikely it was that Holly would turn up. It was unlike him to invest so much hope in what might have been a joke, but Artemis pushed the implications of this aside, and forced himself to think about something else.

He was staring around, trying to locate Butler and therefore an escape route that wasn't covered, when he saw something that made him finally take interest in the dance. If he hadn't had the self-control and discipline of an Olympic athlete, Artemis felt sure his mouth would have dropped open and he would have started drooling. Not a pretty sight. But the occasion almost seemed to warrant it.

* * *

Dum, dum, dum! Cliff-hanger! Not a very dramatic one, but still. Now I just have to figure out what it is that's interesting. Could it be a pretty girl? An evil alien? A disco ball with sparkly lights?

I tried to do what Claymade suggested and make Butler a little less formal with Artemis, but I think I may have gone to the other extreme with the sulking bit. Depends on how you view their relationship, I guess.

* * *


	5. Cinderella Dressed In White

**CHAPTER FIVE: CINDERELLA DRESSED IN WHITE**

Holly and Mulch arrived at around nine. Artemis hardly noticed. He was too busy staring at a wildly tangoing Butler. Obviously the bodyguard had gotten bored with chaperoning, and had asked one of the teachers from a Girls' school to dance.

'Hey Mud Boy, what are you staring at?' Mulch wasn't really a master of subtlety either. He was chewing a bag of potato chips noisily. Artemis wondered distractedly why nobody had noticed them. After all, they were both under a metre tall and Mulch had a moving beard, for goodness' sake, but he hadn't been able to look away from the dance floor and the suddenly amazingly gallant Butler. And realise that the pair looked a little different.

'Looks like Butler's having fun,' commented Holly, simultaneously answering Mulch's question and diverting Artemis' attention from the dancing. He stopped staring at Butler and finally looked at Holly. Then he started in surprise.

'Er…Holly, I don't mean to sound rude, but – '

Holly grinned. 'I know. It's a new invention of Foaly's. Should help Reconnaissance no end.' Holly appeared to have grown. She was now almost a five feet tall, and wearing a white dress. She also looked about fifteen, which explained why nobody had noticed her, but her bright hazel eyes and voice were definitely Holly.

Artemis was fascinated. 'How does it work?'

Holly shrugged 'Foaly didn't really have a lot of time to explain it. I'm not technically supposed to have it, but you know Foaly. He can't resist showing off his inventions, and you're always an exception.' Holly raised an eyebrow and Artemis shrugged almost sheepishly.

'It's a magical storage and mixing unit,' Holly continued. 'Foaly calls it a Melder Unit. What he basically said was that it projects something like a Mesmer-Shield, in the form of someone who blends in with wherever you're going.'

Artemis nodded. 'Clever. Would it stand up to mirrored sunglasses?'

Holly shook her head. 'Only safe at night. Unless, for some reason, a human happened to be wearing sunglasses at night' she winked. Artemis flushed.

'Holly, you know I'm sorry about that. But tell me about this Melder Unit. I wouldn't imagine it would last very long.'

Holly nodded. 'Cinderella thing. I have to be gone by midnight, or it'll start to fade. But the best thing is, it doesn't use up any of my magic. I can look like this all night and then just shield if it runs out. Or that's what Foaly said.'

'Right.' Artemis stared at Holly for a long moment. Even though she knew he was actually interested in the projection, Holly felt herself blushing.

'Can the projection be changed?' Artemis asked finally.

Holly nodded wearily. She wasn't exactly thrilled to have come all this way just to be questioned about a new piece of fairy technology. Actually to tell the truth, she wasn't really sure why she'd come.

'Only by Foaly. And eyes, voice and fingerprints always stay the same. It should stop people from abusing the privilege of looking different.' Holly gestured towards Mulch.

Artemis grinned and held out his hand to the young teenager next to Holly. 'Mr Diggums, I presume?' The kleptomaniac dwarf had been turned into what looked like a younger version of Sean Connery. The mirage grinned and shook Artemis' outstretched hand.

'The name's Bond. James Bond.'

Artemis almost groaned. He should have seen that coming.

Meanwhile, Holly had been gazing around the room intently.

'Look Artemis, I'm going to go dance with som–' the sentence petered out as spotted a tall brown-haired boy with brown eyes that could only be described as being puppy-dog. She was out of her seat in an instant and walked over as though in a trance. Artemis couldn't hear what she said to him, but in seconds the pair were dancing. Artemis wasn't surprised. Holly really looked quite lovely. And she hadn't been lying - She was an excellent dancer.

Artemis felt a pang as he watched them. Some sort of strange feeling in his chest. Perhaps he'd eaten something that disagreed with him. Trying to ignore the feeling, Artemis turned to Mulch. 'Just you and me, Mr Bond,' he sighed. Mulch shook his head. 'No way. I'm not wasting tonight hanging around with you, Mister I-refuse-to-dance. The night is young, and so am I.' With that, he strode confidently onto the dance floor and was surrounded by giggling girls within a minute.

Artemis watched Mulch play toy-boy for a while, trying to ignore Holly. Unfortunately, it was difficult to ignore the best dancer in the room. The floaty white dress she was wearing was glowing in the lights from the ceiling and she looked euphoric with every new song, her face lit up and filled with innocent fun.

Very soon she had moved on from puppy-dog eyes and was dancing with a tall boy with bleached blonde hair and blue eyes. Then a slightly shorter boy with red hair and green eyes. Then another tall boy with a ridiculously dark tan. More tall boys with multicoloured hair. Artemis could only suppose that tall people must be a novelty for Holly, who would be so used to living with the short inhabitants of Haven. All the boys quickly blurred into one for Artemis, who found himself wishing he was taller. Not that he was particularly short, but he wasn't exactly Michael Jordan either.

After a while it became increasingly difficult to watch Holly due to what Artemis definitely considered excessive amounts of interruptions. First several girls came over to try to get him to dance. This irritated Artemis almost as much as being at the dance in the first place, and accordingly the comments used to get rid of them became progressively more cutting. Eventually the last few were leaving almost in tears.

After a while Butler stopped dancing and came over. The music dwindled as the song changed, and Artemis could see Holly was switching partners again. She exchanged a tall boy with streaked brown hair and glasses for yet another tall boy with blonde hair who was in desperate need of a shave.

'You should ask her to dance,' Butler said. Artemis jumped slightly. Butler had that effect.

'Who?' he asked in an irritated tone. Butler nodded towards Holly, who was spinning happily in circles with the blonde boy. 'Holly,' he added, in case Artemis needed further clarification. Unlikely, but it prevented the teenager from playing stupid, a game that he was unsurprisingly very bad at.

Artemis scowled at Butler. 'I will not dance, Butler. Leave me alone.'

Obedient as always, Butler shrugged and melted into the crowd every bit as effectively as a seven foot man can melt at a high school dance, and left Artemis in relative peace.

* * *

Ha, Mulch can dream. I can't really picture a ninety-centimetre James Bond. But then, I've never really been a fan. 

I'm having trouble figuring out whether to call the characters Holly is dancing with 'guys' or 'boys'. Men doesn't seem appropriate, considering their age, and neither does males. I don't know…it's a definite problem. I think I overused 'boy' a bit.

Its true, the last chapter was a bit of filler. Although I guess it fulfilled a purpose in setting the scene and establishing a cliff-hanger. But hopefully this chapter and the next are a little more interesting. PLEASE KEEP READING! ROMANCE IS COMING! (cougheventuallycough)

Ooh, I know - I'll give you a sneak peek at the next chapter! But only if you promise to keep reading and reviewing, okay?

* * *

**ALL'S FAIR IN LOVE AND WAR**

Leaving her current dancing partner in the middle of the floor, Holly walked towards Artemis' table, stopping just within earshot as a blonde girl sat down next to the Mud Boy.

'Hi.' She said in a friendly voice. 'I'm Cassie.'

Artemis maintained his cold, detached scowl. Some idiot girl was sitting next to him. She was talking to him. She would probably want to dance. It was getting extremely irritating to have to get rid of these girls all the time.

'Look, I don't care who you are. Unless you have a tremendously high vocabulary, a practical idea on how to fix the hole in the ozone layer of some sort of plan on how to get me away from this dance without anyone noticing, I have absolutely no interest in anything you have to say. And before you ask, I do not want to dance, with you or with anyone. If you had enough brain power to scratch yourself and talk at the same time you wouldn't find it any fun either.'

* * *


	6. All's Fair In Love And War

**CHAPTER SIX: ALL'S FAIR IN LOVE AND WAR**

Holly had watched and slowly felt her heart plummet as an extremely pretty girl with black hair had sat down beside Artemis and started to flirt transparently. Then her hopes had risen again as the girl left on the verge of tears and Artemis was once again alone.

But not for long. It seemed that Artemis was quite the prize. Several girls went up and presumably asked him to dance. All of them left looking hurt. Holly had to wonder what he was saying to them.

Leaving her current dancing partner in the middle of the floor, Holly walked towards Artemis' table, stoping just within earshot as a blonde girl sat down next to the Mud Boy.

'Hi.' She said in a friendly voice. 'I'm Cassie.'

Artemis maintained his cold, detached scowl. Some idiot girl was sitting next to him. She was talking to him. She would probably want to dance. It was getting quite irritating to have to get rid of these girls all the time.

'Look, I don't care who you are. Unless you have a tremendously high vocabulary, a practical idea on how to fix the hole in the ozone layer of some sort of plan on how to get me away from this dance without anyone noticing, I have absolutely no interest in anything you have to say. And before you ask, I do not want to dance, with you or with anyone. If you had enough brain power to scratch yourself and talk at the same time you wouldn't find it any fun either.'

Cassie stared at Artemis the stood up and slapped him across the face. Hard. Hard enough to leave a palm-shaped red mark. Touching his own palm to the suddenly stinging spot on his cheek, Artemis realised he felt more shocked than anything. Where was Butler? It was doubtful this girl was actually any real threat, but it was difficult to tell his dignity that. Artemis wasn't sure when the last time he'd actually been physically hit was, but he had a feeling it might have been in the Arctic. And that was Holly. Holly was a special case.

Realising that he was mouthing silently at the girl, and had been for several moments, Artemis closed his mouth and gathered his thoughts for a comeback of epic proportions. Luckily for Cassie, she chose that moment to interrupt. No doubt any comeback would have been impossible to understand.

'Whatever your problem is, I hope you get over it before you see the advantages of actually having a life,' Cassie snapped. Then she flipped her hair over her shoulder and flounced back to the dance floor, leaving Artemis with a pointless comeback on the tip of his tongue.

Practically crying with mirth at what she'd just seen, Holly moved back to the dance floor and procured a new tall partner. Or maybe it was an old one. To tell the truth, Holly couldn't really remember what any of her former partners had looked like. She thought vaguely that it was probably just because there had been so many of them. But the part of a her brain that always told the truth, whether she wanted to hear it or not, was whispering that maybe she didn't know what any of them looked like because she had been too busy trying to see Artemis to pay any attention. Maybe her heart wasn't really into dancing with strangers. Maybe dancing tonight hadn't been as fun as it normally was. Maybe she really wanted to dance with Artemis.

Mulch had come back to the table for a break and overheard Artemis' little monologue. Not to mention Cassie's reply. A trail of giggling girls followed him. Mulch sat down and helped himself to some of the untouched snacks on the table. Obviously the Melder Units didn't change the personality of a fairy. _Which is both good and bad_ thought Artemis as crumbs sprayed all over his lap.

'That wasn't very nice, Artemis,' Mulch muttered through a mouthful of sandwiches. 'I think you hurt her feelings.'

Artemis shrugged then mumbled his reply. 'If they just left me alone, I wouldn't have to make them go away. Its their own fault'

Mulch shook his head. 'Artemis, I think you're missing the point of the dance. It's to mingle and have fun, not be antisocial and alienate everybody within twelve feet of you. You're going to get slapped a lot if you keep it up.'

Artemis stared at the handsome teenager in front of him, picturing the moving beard and tombstone teeth he knew were underneath. He wasn't used to the dwarf telling him what to do. Actually, he wasn't used to anyone telling him what to do, but it had been happening more and more often lately. He must be slipping.

Choosing to ignore Mulch, who in any case wasn't really in a position to talk with distinguishable or understandable words, Artemis actually stopped staring at the dance floor and shifted his gaze to the saltshaker on the table. This was entirely Butler's fault. If he hadn't put that newsletter on the table, Artemis would never have had to come to this ridiculous dance. This would be the last time he ever told Butler anything. From now on, Artemis vowed, the bodyguard would be as separate from his life as his mother.

This was, perhaps, the third time in his life that Artemis had allowed emotion to overtake logic, and it wasn't to be the last time that night. And if you ignore the fact that Butler was Artemis' only friend, such a thing as he was contemplating might have been possible. But nobody can cut their only friend completely out of their life. Not even Artemis Fowl.

* * *

Okay, you may have noticed I've changed the chapter a little after Toosweet4Words brought it to my attention that I was making girls look like wimps.

Once again, thanks to Master Yoda007, but also thanks to Toosweet4Words. Hopefully this made the chapter a little more interesting too.

* * *


	7. Dancing With Fowl

**CHAPTER SEVEN: DANCING WITH FOWL**

When Mulch left, Holly sat beside Artemis and considered him in silence for a minute. 'Would you like to dance?' she asked finally. Artemis jumped and looked at her, but didn't answer for a long moment.

'I can't' he said, so quietly Holly barely heard. She laughed.

'Of course you can, Mud Boy.' she stood up and held out her hand. 'I'll help you.' She told him.

Artemis gazed at the hand. It looked almost as pale as his and seemed to be shining in the dim light from the ceiling. He looked up and met her eyes. They were hazel and bright, and seemed to be talking to him. Telling him to trust her

But Artemis had never really trusted anyone.

'You don't understand, Holly. I really can't dance. It would be dangerous to make me try.'

'That's ridiculous, Fowl.' Holly laughed. 'It's easy. Stand up.'

And for the first time since the dance had started, Artemis stood. He was about ten centimetres taller than Holly. Standing as close as they were, Holly had to look up to see his face. She felt her breath catch in her throat. He really was gorgeous. The most beautiful person she'd ever seen. Even if he was a Mud Man. But then, wasn't she a Mud Person right now too? His skin looked perfect, and his eyes were an electric blue colour. But it was more than that. The look on his face was one that Holly had never seen on him before. She couldn't name it. But whatever it was, it made it hard for her to breathe.

Realising that she was staring at him, Holly looked down and blushed.

'Okay, Artemis. Dancing 101. Close your eyes,' Holly instructed. Artemis did as he was told. The speakers were blasting pop music into the crowd. It was playing at top volume, making it easy for Artemis to listen to the words.

"_What a feeling _

_Please believe it."_

'Listen carefully to the music and tap your foot on the bass beat.' Artemis listened. His foot moved all by itself. It was incredible. Why hadn't the instructor been able to teach him this?

"Take your passion 

_And make it happen…"_

'Now dance!' cried Holly, and grabbed his hand to pull him onto the dance floor.

By half-past eleven, Holly and Artemis were exhausted and needed a break. Artemis would never be in Fame, but at least he didn't cripple anyone. Later on, even Holly had to admit that he had turned into a pretty good dancer. He'd been really fun to dance with, at least. Especially when compared to how he started. But then, you can only really go up from where Artemis started.

Collapsing on a couch, they both burst into laughter. Artemis had to admit; he'd never had this much fun before. And dancing actually seemed to be very good exercise. Maybe it wasn't as extreme a waste of time as he had thought.

Holly was just glad that Artemis could act almost like a normal teenager. Looking at his laughing, smiling face, she felt so happy she thought the feeling would suffocate her. And Artemis looked exactly how she felt. She thought for a second that maybe she should ask why she was so happy, but at that stage it didn't really seem important. It just mattered that she could see him, and talk to him. She could say whatever she wanted to, and he would listen.

Holly gazed at his flushed face, which was so often distorted into a scowl that it almost looked odd to see him smiling. And not a vampire smile, either. A sincere, happy, perfect smile.

There was a stray lock of hair in his face that had come loose, probably in some exuberant dance. Smiling slightly to herself, Holly reached up one small hand and tucked it back behind his ear. Artemis caught her hand in surprise and their eyes met. Blue met hazel as the world stopped, and they stared at each other for what seemed like an eternity. And then slowly, hesitantly, Artemis slipped a hand behind Holly's head, and pulled her towards him, and kissed her.

* * *

Ooh, look. It's a happy Artemis–Holly romance. What a surprise! But my chapters keep getting shorter. Sorrysorrysorrysorrysorry….

It's lucky I did that, or I think I would have been murdered by Hollybridgetpeppermint. Jks. Or maybe you would have…Uh-oh.

Just BTW, I did try to do Artemis and another character. (It was going to be Cassie, actually) but it didn't work. It turned out really bad and it just…wouldn't work properly. It was sending me insane, so I stopped trying and let it be Holly.

* * *


	8. So Long, Farewell

**CHAPTER EIGHT: SO LONG, FAREWELL**

Holly pulled back, horrified. "I have to go." She said hurriedly, standing up and backing away from the couch, and the bewildered criminal genius sitting on it.

"Holly –" Artemis began, grabbing her elbow as she turned away from him.

"Don't touch me!" Holly snapped, and Artemis pulled back as though he'd been burned.

"Holly, I –"

"You what, Artemis? What can you possibly say?"

Artemis was silent, which Holly took as her cue to leave. Nodding curtly at him, she seized Mulch from a circle of girls, and dragged him out the door by his bowtie. Watching the pair leave, Artemis finally answered Holly's question.

"I can say I love you."

* * *

Over the next few weeks Artemis tried everything he could to stop himself thinking about the dance and the kiss, and the ensuing drama. He threw himself into the most difficult maths problems in the world, wrote sophisticated and inaccessible internet papers, and generally was lost to the world. He even tried doing him homework. However, whenever he surfaced from an interval of particularly deep contemplation, Artemis would invariably look at his notebook and find his last eight lines of equations were written in unfortunately non-mathematical characters that repeatedly spelled out the word Holly; or discover that his last paragraph of evidence was written in Gnommish and had more to do with the psyche of female elves than nuclear physics; or realise that his English reading assignment actually had a happy ending and his book report was based on an incorrect hypothesis. 

It took Butler a total of about one day to know that something was wrong with Artemis, but considerably longer for him to work up the courage to ask about it. One day, however, after bringing his employer his fifth cup of Earl Gray in two hours, Butler paused near the door and enquired, "Artemis, is there something wrong?"

Artemis sipped his tea and replied with typical serenity. "No, nothing at all. Why do you ask?"

Butler shifted uncomfortably. Talking feelings wasn't his strong point. "It's just that since the dance you've been little…intense."

Artemis brow creased as he looked at Butler. "Haven't I always been intense? I am, after all, a genius."

"Well, yes, but…five cups of tea in two hours? And you're distracted. All the time."

"Distracted?" Artemis gave a dry chuckle. "Distracted in what way?"

Butler shrugged. "Distracted in the way of someone who just put seven teaspoons of sugar in their tea."

Artemis looked at the silver teaspoon in his hand and placed it carefully back in the sugar bowl. "I promise, Butler. If there is ever anything wrong with me, you will be the first to know."

Butler nodded uncertainly, and decided to try one more time. "Artemis, if it's about a girl, you know I'm here anytime. Just don't let it turn into an obsession, if you know what I mean." He gave Artemis a significant look, which Artemis received with a raised eyebrow.

"Believe me Butler; there is no girl. And even if there were, I would have no tolerance for pining after her. For one thing, that would be a terrible cliché, and for another, it would be a waste of my time and my genius."

Sighing, Butler accepted defeat. "Well then, what are you doing that requires five cups of tea?"

"I am merely planning a paper on philosophy and chemistry, which proves that love is purely a figment of the human imagination. An emotion we try to induce, under the illusion that it will somehow bring great happiness. It is an idealized, unrealistic standard, and I intend to prove that in fact it is purely imaginary."

Butler raised an eyebrow. "Good to see that that imaginary girl hasn't affected your outlook on life and love."

Artemis scowled and ignored him.

Butler shook his head, collected the tea things, and left Artemis alone. Even genii were susceptible to hormones. Although, he decided, he didn't think he'd mention it to Artemis just then. The Irish criminal mastermind would probably set out to prove that certain elements of his brain made him different from the rest of teenage life, and placed him above such useless things as puberty.

When Butler had left, Artemis turned back to the keyboard, his paper already formed in his mind. Then, for some reason, he paused; his fingers a fraction of a millimeter above the home keys, apparently suspended deep in thought.

Changing his mind suddenly, he opened a new window and started typing.

* * *

Sitting in the Ops Booth, Foaly started from a short nap as the computer informed him that he had an email. Sitting up, Foaly was surprised to see that it was from Artemis. Naturally suspicious, he ran it through seven different virus detection programs. When it came up clean, he was naturally even more suspicious. Opening it cautiously, his eyes widened, then blinked several times, then were rubbed vigourously as he read the letter. 

_Dear Mister Foaly, _

_It may (or may not, depending upon your powers of deduction) surprise you to know that I have become exceptionally fond of Captain Short in the time since I, most regrettably, abducted her. This fondness I know to be extremely inappropriate, yet this did not prevent me from acting upon it several weeks ago at a dance which Captain Short attended. On this occasion I made my feelings clear, but was rebuked by the Captain; I regret to say that this has by no means lessened the intensity of my feelings for her, but I am obliged to respect her wishes and not pursue the issue further. _

_However, I must express my desire to at least talk to her one more time, and if her feelings are the same as they were at the dance, I wish to say goodbye. It is here that I must request both your assistance, and your discretion concerning the issue outlined above. I realise you owe me nothing that would let you find this wish reasonable, but I implore you to consider it anyway. If you will tolerate my appeal, I ask you to arrange for Captain Short to be at Tara at midnight on this coming Friday. No confirmation nor negation in reply will be necessary, as I intend to go regardless. _

_Yours &c. _

_Artemis Fowl II _

Foaly shook his head in admiration. The mud boy was audacious, that was for sure. But did that mean that he was going to help him? It was an interesting dilemma. On the one hand, he really, really didn't want to do anything to help his least favourite human. On the other hand, Holly had actually been looking rather depressed lately. In fact, Foaly was not entirely sure that she was as indifferent to Artemis as he had been led to believe.

But then on the other, other hand, if Root found out that Foaly was involved in any way with the situation, Foaly would be fired before he could say 'just wanted to help.' Similarly, if it all went pear-shaped and Holly found out he had interfered in her personal life, she would never forgive him.

Foaly chewed his lower lip. Definitely a dilemma.

* * *

Three days later, Artemis waited under an old oak tree at Tara. He still didn't have any idea what he was doing. Butler was waiting several metres away, Artemis having filled him in on what had happened at the dance after sending the email to Foaly. At the moment, Butler was making sure that if anyone attacked Artemis he would be close enough to snap their neck, whilst also being far enough away from his charge for him to feel some sort of privacy. 

It was fifteen minutes after midnight, and Artemis was beginning to lose hope, when a shimmering patch of air solidified into the shape of Holly's Melder Unit hologram, albeit now wearing the black LEP stealth suit and reflective helmet.

"Holly," said Artemis, smiling with relief. "You came."

Holly slid her visor up with a pneumatic hiss . "Yes, I did." She removed her helmet.

Artemis had spent almost the whole of the last three days thinking about what he would say if Holly actually came to meet him, but now that she was here he didn't have a clue what to do. Holly had no such qualms.

"Foaly said you wanted to say goodbye."

Artemis was surprised. "Foaly said…yes, I did want to say that."

Holly shrugged. "goodbye, then."

Artemis shook his head. "No, Holly – I simply ask you to honestly answer me one question."

Holly raised an eyebrow. "One question."

"You must swear to tell the truth."

Holly nodded, smiling slightly.

"How do you feel about me?"

Holly was silent for a long moment, a moment that felt like eternity to Artemis. "I don't know why, but I love you, Artemis."

Although this was exactly what Artemis had hoped to hear, there was something in her voice that made him hesitate. "But…?"

"But it can't happen. We'd be breaking laws that haven't even been invented yet."

Artemis looked at the ground, then back at Holly, getting a hold of himself. "You're right, of course." He extended a pale hand. "Sworn enemies again, then?"

Holly grinned, taking his hand and shaking it. "Was that a joke, Artemis Fowl?"

Artemis shrugged, making Holly laugh outright. "All right, sworn enemmmph!"

Artemis had pulled her towards him and kissed her before she could finish talking.

"Goodbye kiss," he said breathlessly, when he was done. Holly scowled at him.

"Try that again and you'll find yourself kissing a tree with a concussion."

"Oh, indeed?" Artemis raised an eyebrow at her. In response, Holly jammed her helmet back on and slid the visor down. Then she shielded and activated her wings, floating several feet above Artemis' head.

"Goodbye, Mud Boy."

Artemis looked up. "Goodbye, Captain Short."

* * *

So what do you think of the new ending? Kinda corny?

I should say thankyou to Raserei Hojo, because it was his/her (help me out here) review that made me re-read that last chapter and start writing again for the first time in AGES. Also, thanks to Linwen, for nomming this for an Orion. I'm flattered, so thanks heaps!

BTW, I'm back! Alot's been happening, which is my excuse for not posting .:coughorstartingcough:. my new story yet. But I live in New York now, long story short. And I'm having to do most of grade 11 again, even though I already finished it in Oz-land. But whatever.

I'd like to say a special G'DAY! to all those who country I now share. Thankyou for having me!!

* * *


End file.
